2009 was full of bullshit, growing pains and love. I spent the first half of my year going nowhere, just waiting, waiting for my opportunity and 2009 did not have it. By July I had lost all faith in people. I believed that people would let you down no matter what. Everyone nowadays just look out for themselves and fuck over the rest.
My relationship with Joshua was based off a lie and I didn't get the memo. I thought he was my rock but even he fell off the wayside. I was out of school and work. I felt like I had no real friends ( with the exception of a few) I felt this overwhelming pressure from everyone. I didn't know how to solve my problems. I tried what I thought was would work for me. It never worked out. I'm a faithful, caring, bitchy, selfless person and people stepped on me. I felt alone and hurt. I felt like I was wasting my life, like I was helping family and friends to reach their goals. My goals and my dreams were there but I couldn't reach them. At one point I just felt stuck, lost and confused.
I had reached the beginning of adulthood.
I am a fighter, I was trying to do what was right, I was doing what was best for a person like me.
I was doing everything wrong. I was too concerned with what I'm suppose be at in my life.
Other people who were 20, I was watching wondering how come I'm not doing what they're doing.
How come I couldn't find a job?
How come I don't enjoy school?
Why can't I make friends as easily as other people?
Why do they stare?
Why can't I move out my Mom's Home as yet?
Then I realized that I'm not everyone else. I'm never on the same level as other people. So why would I pressure myself and give myself such goals? I was trying to fit in and stand out at the same time. Everyone else was waiting too.
They were expecting and judging and I let them.
I let them.
Now I'm doing what's in my heart. Anything my heart desires I do, relax its nothing too damaging or self inflicting. I'm paving my own path since no path is open for me as yet. Too many times I held back because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I didn't do what I wanted because it would be frowned upon. I did this and only locked down my heart desires, while people stepped on me.
I'm free from myself.
2010 is coming up and I'm going to rock the shit out of this new year.
Today is the beginning of my Revolution.
Today is my Renaissance!
+plus I've always been a late bloomer :)
