Renaissance:2009-2010

2009 was full of bullshit, growing pains and love. I spent the first half of my year going nowhere, just waiting, waiting for my opportunity and 2009 did not have it. By July I had lost all faith in people. I believed that people would let you down no matter what. Everyone nowadays just look out for themselves and fuck over the rest.

My relationship with Joshua was based off a lie and I didn't get the memo. I thought he was my rock but even he fell off the wayside. I was out of school and work. I felt like I had no real friends ( with the exception of a few) I felt this overwhelming pressure from everyone. I didn't know how to solve my problems. I tried what I thought was would work for me. It never worked out. I'm a faithful, caring, bitchy, selfless person and people stepped on me. I felt alone and hurt. I felt like I was wasting my life, like I was helping family and friends to reach their goals. My goals and my dreams were there but I couldn't reach them. At one point I just felt stuck, lost and confused.

I had reached the beginning of adulthood.

I am a fighter, I was trying to do what was right, I was doing what was best for a person like me.

I was doing everything wrong. I was too concerned with what I'm suppose be at in my life.

Other people who were 20, I was watching wondering how come I'm not doing what they're doing.

How come I couldn't find a job?

How come I don't enjoy school?

Why can't I make friends as easily as other people?

Why do they stare?

Why can't I move out my Mom's Home as yet?

Then I realized that I'm not everyone else. I'm never on the same level as other people. So why would I pressure myself and give myself such goals? I was trying to fit in and stand out at the same time. Everyone else was waiting too.

They were expecting and judging and I let them.

I let them.

Now I'm doing what's in my heart. Anything my heart desires I do, relax its nothing too damaging or self inflicting. I'm paving my own path since no path is open for me as yet. Too many times I held back because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I didn't do what I wanted because it would be frowned upon. I did this and only locked down my heart desires, while people stepped on me.

I'm free from myself.

2010 is coming up and I'm going to rock the shit out of this new year.

Today is the beginning of my Revolution.

Today is my Renaissance!

+plus I've always been a late bloomer :)

"J" [Bitter/Sweet]

On Tuesday, I came to get the mail and I got a personal letter. I was excited, I never really got a letter old school style. I found it funny it had no return address. I feverishly opened to see what was inside. It was a newspaper clipping and a post-it attached to it. The post-it said

Shoshannah call now!!!

-J

It was an article for a car sale. Not any car sale but a 99$ dollar one. I was like "Bullshit". Really?! Cars for 99 dollars? I have shoes that cost more than that. It was going to happen this saturday and registration was thursday. After I read the article, mind you I'm still in my small ass lobby frozen by the staircase, I went upstairs told my mom and she examined the envelope. She said it never went to the post office someone dropped it in the mailbox.

I felt like I was playing Blue's Clues

*Its a J name

*Person knew where I live

*Person knew I was thinking bout getting a car.

The third clue is tricky cause I really didn't let people know I wanted a car, I don't even have my license.

I texted all my J friends no results

So I came to the conclusion that on sunday morning Jesus was reading the New Rochelle newspaper, enjoying his bread and butter with honey vanilla chamomile tea and came across this article. He remembered one of my prayers and clipped it out. He took a post-it from his desk, made a quick note and mailed it out. Jesus knew I was having a rough time he sent it out express Godmail also known as Gmail. There's no return address cause of that. Plus it was a regular handwriting he didn't want to give it all away. lol

Now I can get a car, but just like my life, dumb little bullshit things always prevent me from my destination. I need a license to register and I need some money smh. I can get my sister's godfather to do that. Now I had a plan for the money but thats another post. Ill find a way by saturday. This opportunity doesn't come often. I'm not letting it slip away.

Whoever J is ....

Thank You

Adam.

Finally Bish. I was wondering who the hell is Adam? LOL

Well Let's start at the beginning

wavy ass lines, more wavy ass lines, Wavy lines getting straighter to a flashback.

Adam was a cool dude. He was Funny. He was apart of discipleship. The same class Josh and I were taking among other friends. I always saw him and he always saw me. We didn't talk. Our circles meshed and this dude was super funny. I can't resist not having a funny friend. Can You? I officially spoke to him at a party last winter. He was posted up against a wall underneath a black light and I saw him not dancing and I can't have it. So I approached him and asked him to dance with him. He wouldn't, I dance on him anyway.

We smoked together that night.

It's amazing how things unfold by such a little moment in life.

Around March I asked him for his number, I wasn't cheating. Josh was right there. I was really looking for a guy friend because I never really had one because they always liked me more than a friend. no bish I'm not conceited theses are facts. So Anygay. We hung out with his friends and it was fun I felt like I finally had a niche, a clique, a posse, a squad, a friend family a...

Britney Meltdown....aight stand by, Do we have the clippers? Ok,We're on in 5. 4. 3. 2. 1

Adam was dropping bombs or he would like to call hints.

I thought he was a liar. A typical guy move, just corrupting his competition to get to me.

Wrong.

I found out through him. if you dont know click here

Honestly I was using him to get to the truth. I knew something was up. Josh was acting weird.

I was gonna move on. Call our friendship and tell him I no longer would like to subscribe.

I was going to quietly exit the scene. He wouldn't let me go. I would find a way and he would find a way. He won me over. He was the only one who tried to comfort me. Who actually knew what was going on in the clutter old cat lady that I called my brain. Adam played his cards right. I'm not oblivious to how men think. Something wouldn't let me shake him off completely. Something genuine, He was something like me. It was weird. I shared my shame with him.

I cried in front of him

He made me realize that I'm more than a woman. IDK how to explain. He made me realize my power and how I was lowering the settings so as to not to make people jealous, or angry, or just feel some type of way. For some reason people hate people who enjoy life lol. Worrying should I turn my shine down for the sake of others? He's my Nigga. I'm his Nigga.

We have so much in common and nothing in common.

Yes he's fucked up for opening his mouth...but let's be honest. Josh was never going to tell me. Adam liked me, and knew the truth. Plus I was Sherlock Holmes on his ass. Umm Like Duh...

Thank You Adam for making me laugh and walking me through this time in my life....

sidenote: I lost the iPod Josh got me for Christmas around March. I never lose anything. Here's my mom's advice, anything that breaks, gets lost, or etc. If it was a present from a loved one. Shit will ensue...always.

Emotionally Flavored People[Bitter/Sweet]

I'm losing track of time.

I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.

I want to inspire people.

...... Wouldn't it be cool if people had a main attribute throughout life and you can only find out when you die. Like Love, Anger, Sadness, Happiness, Laughter, Mystery, etc. Don't you find it amazing how no matter the situation people bring the same characteristic? Some people no matter how you feel make you calm and carefree? Some people always bring happiness, even if they're not happy themselves? Then your goal in life is to get your counterpart? Happiness must find sadness to bring balance to each other? Happy people always denies sadness in their life and fake it even when they're truly not happy. Sad people can't find a way out and when happiness is there, they deny it because they're afraid. They'll balance out each other.....like ying and yang....

Some women drive men crazy.....like Erykah Badu. Did you see the Before and After of Andre 3000 and Common? She changed them for the better. That's a bad woman, even after you part ways you never really left them. Some women bring the most negative effects out of men. I was just wondering like we're all different emotions and when we get together we make a mixture. It's late, I'm listening to Lust for Life by DRAKE. It was my soundtrack for the nite. Sleep is for our conscious. Our sub conscious frolick during the nite in our dreams. If we're up, that's when our raw emotions and wants come out. That's when I get in trouble......

Funny Bitches [Bitter/Sweet]

I think people are angry at me and not because I did some dumb shit towards them. They get mad at me cause I do what I please and not what people expect me to do. I'm not easily subdued by bureaucratic bullshit and diplomacy. Its not built in me. In a way I understand. Things people work hard to obtain I usually get it without really trying and If I actually give a damn, no one will remember your ass. People try so hard to get at me without really getting at me. Which is funny to me. Just say your peace to my face and leave me be. Maybe its my blank stare. Here's a tip for all you lovely people

Anytime someone has some stigma against you, kill them kindness and not fake kindness genuine kindness. This shit pisses them off even more cause they have nothing against you. When you get angry you showing them that you care and you shouldn't because you should be focus on you and your interests.

...I know I know

Here's an example.

I was wearing my white wig and some hot ass outfit looking like a M.O.B. photoshoot. I show up and the girls are looking at me like I'm crazy. Secretly giggling and staring me down. I brush it off cause people have been smirking at me since birth, two years later they're wearing the same shit I was wearing 2 years ago. The thing that made it icing is there "boyfriends" are ready to scoop me up like ice cream. This one dude was staring so hard I felt uncomfortable. The Giggle Twins realize what's really going on and the giggling stops, now I can feel the tension in the air. I'm just vibing with the guys cause they mad cool. All of a sudden Giggle Twins' power must of deactivated cause now they want to be friends.......mmmmmhmmmm [BTW I'm not a thieving chicka. I don't believe in cheaters and I don't need to become one]

"People say things thinking other people are thinking it, when they know they don't even believe it themselves"

- Sumra 13, sister

Like people jus say well she's Shoshannah. LOL I'm my own adjective.

Someone approached me and commented on me and said "Shannah is one hand painted pink and the other white? [insert dumb giggle here]"

Let's evaluate.

I purposely painted my nails those colors. I didn't paint them in the dark and realized when I went outside I realized that I have committed a crime worthy of imprisonment.

You pointing it out does not make it funny. If anything you sound stupid because you know they're pink and white cause you said so, why ask the question?

My answer to this dumb question after these commercial breaks...


This post is brought to you by Energizer Haters "They keep hating and hating and hating..."
Also by iMac "Mac Users swear by their computers, Windows users swear at their computers"
and from viewers like you, thank you! soundtrack provided by Camp Lo's Uptown Saturday Night.

I simply did my "Uraslowbitch" face and said "....umm yeah" and turn my head towards someone worth my interest.


At the end of the day don't let anyone make you feel bad for being yourself.

He Cheated. [BitterSweet]

Hmm I never really talked about my situation with my heart being grinded into mince meat.

IDK I'm a private person lol but then again I don't know you people and will never care to know your opinions bout me so oh wells.

He cheated.

gasp* OMG shannah I thought you were a bad bish. How could this happen?

I know, I know but even people cheat on halle berry and she has a team behind her, so my ass aint different.

I knew in the back of my mind that shit was going to happen, cause I know that dipshit too well. Which is kinda horrifying to watch shit you knew was going to happen, HAPPEN.

Its only the third week. I'm chipper and keeping my spirits high but idk people swear im a robot or some shit lol.

"You seem to be taking this all well"

"Why yes I am. Weed is helping me a lot. If It wasn't for weed I'd prolly be covered in paint drawing dumb shit and wallowing in my pain. Followed by random walks at 3 in the morning and bathing for 4 hours at a time"

awkward silence

"Okay"

We resolved the issue and decided to take a break. Whick basically means. Get our shit together and I'll see you on the other side. Which is about a year.

Now there will be no phucking and etc. He already had his fun. But to be honest I didn't have my fun. I mean is it wrong to date other guys and party and smoke and drink and be a FUCKING 20 year old.

I been a good girl all my life, always passed my classes, upstanding citizen, never gave mom a problem. I'm dead serious I was the perfect child. Let's evaluate

*I never smoked weed til I was out of highschool

*I never drank until I went to college

*I passed my regents with fly fucking colors without getting help from tutors

English 97

US History 90

Global 88

Math 85

Earth Science 85

GPA 85%

I didn't do shit for my last semester of my senior year my gpa would of been higher.

*I never had a boyfriend, cause I didn't want unnecessary distractions

*I read books and drew.

*I never been in a fight. NEVER.

*I know how to cook, clean, and take care of my younger siblings.

It's hard being this way around all the phuckery that is called the Bronx.

I pat myself on the back for this, I'm really thinking bout this shit I must of been the "ONE" of the Bronx Matrix. lol

Now I reap the benefits of my reward.

I deserve this shit. I'm not here for x, y, z. I'm here for me.

Now I don't think he deserves to do the same as me cause honestly he doesn't fucking deserve to. He needs to get his shit together. That would be kinda phucked up. He did me dirty and does whatever he wants on this break and still gets me at the end.

Bitch Please, This ain't Disney.

I feel like his ass was taking me for granted cause I'm not your typical girl and he must of thought I was. Welp now he'll see. Everytime he talking to some girl or no one catches his jokes and realize day by day that I'm a fucking anomaly to what is defined as a woman.

Now am I justified in my thinking?

Have You Ever.... [part.2]

I don't know what it is....

White People's Conversation out of all the people who ride the train are always the most boring. Even when people are speaking a different language they more visually entertaining. Is it because I can't relate to them? I doubt it.

I talked to my sister to confirm or deny my opinion. She agreed that it is so boring. I asked my mother she agreed too. I find in general what they talk about is boring....

Now I don't mean real conversations bout life or anything like that. I'm talking bout small talk, Shooting the shit with your friend. Just having a fun time. 

Maybe cause its the train and they don't wanna get too juicy with it.

I personally think in general they talk bout chit chat stuff.

Example.

I like those shoes.

You like them I bought them at 34th in Journey's 

really?

yeah

cool.

You know where Journeys is right just take the.....

Now they might go on with the conversation but not truly get into the details. They might fling in a big word or two instead or describing what happen or how they felt. They let the big word do the talking. 

other's ppl's conversation.

I like those shoes

Thanks. I got them at 34th in Journeys. This lady was hawking my ass the whole time. So was a little too friendly. I don't know maybe they do commision, she needed to relax. The shoes were nice. This girl was looking at me whil I was looking at them. I hate those people

Was she a lesbian?! lol

No, [chuckle] She just wanted it cause I picked it up. You can tell  by the way she dress all she does is follow fads. Plus I looked fashion forward.

You mad conceited for no reason. [laughs]

Wait let me tell you what she had on.....

Now I will continue to observe....

I will write a post on hispanic people....NO One is getting away LOL

STUFFWHITEPEOPLELIKE click it you won't regret it

Reflections....

I might as well light my Christmas tree...on fire.

I have no money so I guess I will be Tiny Tim-ing it this year. Full of good cheer and broke.

But I'm a good girl this year and I hopeful have another job coming my way.

In other Broke Ass Chicka News.

 My birthday is coming and I'm going to be 20! I'm officially not a teenager....but still in limbo. 

I have an old soul, so age doesn't affect me. I feel like a 35 year old woman trapped within childlike confinements and rules.

I wanna have a nice birthday something I can remember. I remember birthdays where I did laundry, nothing much, ate cake. I never really felt mad or felt like something was due to me cause I made another 365 days pass by.....

but still...

I've been reflecting on 2008 It was slow and fast at the same time. I spent the year going through growing pains. I felt like GOD was putting my life in slow motion. It was slow to the point where I was literally watching seconds feel like hours. Choices waiting for decisions.

People taking me for granted. It felt like everyone was moving forward and I had a boulder to carry and a broken watch. 

In a sense I knew it was happening to me and I wondered WTF?! Can my plans go the way I want it?!

I'm glad for 2008 cause it leads to 2009 which I will be out....As soon as they say 3, 2, 1 Happy New Year!!!

At the begining of 2008 I promised myself to be truthful and try not to deny or cover up what I feel. 

I told my mother a dark secret. One I kept to myself for years....Everytime I would hear this story she would recite and feel so happy, sure of herself. I felt depressed. I told her and I felt so much better. I opened myself up to a certain Kermit and I'm glad I did. 

The truth hurts....

I think it hurts more when only you know.

btw I'm reading Twilight. ummm Am I the only one who feels that book is kinda predictable. I'm going to write a book because I'm sure I can come up with a better story.

Human Heart by Kimberly Lennox

Love....

You ever wanted to kill that person...

Like really kill that person. You had a plan and everything. I mean you wanted them to still have life afterwards but you though about it. You ever look at that person and you felt disgusted for a moment. Couldn't stand their habits and the way they acted...their fakeness, The way they ate and even their breathing got on your nerves jus ticking at your at your sanity. Cracking into your very psyche, you want to scream at them but all you could do was chew your food and roll your eyes.

You try to go on with your day and alll you could do was always find a fucking way to relate what's going on to that person. Even when you're angry at that person you thought of them. 

You ever find yourself safe in their arms, at home. When they leave you feel the warmth leave you. You can feel the shape of them still

You ever find yourself sniffing the clothes they left at your house. No one else smells anything but you do...and you love it for some reason [mad weird I know]

Sometimes your mind races with a thousand things to say and all you say is nothing.

You walk down the street and a bubble of laughter or smile comes across your face. You look like a damn jackass but you remember that stupid shit that happened awhile back and it showed on your face. 

You're doing nothing in particular and this wave of love hits you...wrings your soul and sways and pushes you to the point where it physically hurts. You look at them and you notice something about them you never did before....

and its beautiful

You lose track of time....ALL THE TIME

Forget about the consequences of your actions because a little more time with them was worth it.

Forgot about your responsibilities, talk about the future, imaginary money, and your perfect condo. Down to the bedsheets and what colored walls. 

You can't wait to better yourself....

 so you can shower them with the things they deserve in life

It's 2 in the morning. 

This is for everyone I love.  

Women wish to be loved not because they are pretty, or good, or well bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.

Hmmm...

I noticed that I like older men. 

I had a crush on Sean Connery when I was little. When XMen came out I had a major crush on Hugh Jackman, wasn't even looking at icicle dude or Cyclops at all. Now I watched the Transporter 3 last saturday and I was looking at Jason Statham like "DAYUM" his body was all types of gorgeous. His 8 pack, his back, hell, even his low haircut and accent. I mean I would literally jump over Zac Efron for a piece of him.

I really started to evaluate myself and see if this was just a coincidence or I really like older dudes. So I started with the shows I watched. Here's one Example

TRUEBlood

Jason Stackhouse

or Bill Compton.

Bill.

 [btw if you're not watching TRUEBlood you're missing out

I love Will Smith more that he's older....

Maybe it's the authority and power, the wisdom, the confidence, the experience

or it's just because I had NO father figure in my life and inadvertently my mind is naturally attracted to them. Even growing up I find myself not relating to people my age. I find them boring and predictable. I love having intimate conversations with one or two people. I can't stand large groups, and that's all people my age wants to do. Have a bunch of people and have fun. They find me weird for being quiet and observing them. I guess they see it as me being a boring stuck up bitch, plus I look good so that's not helping me. I usually loosened up as the night unfolds but I have to push myself. I rather listen to older people. I love listening to older people, hear what they are going through and so on and so forth. Collecting data for my life and what to do and what not to do. If I am ever interested in someone my age they gotta have an old soul, like you can see the wisdom in their eyes. You can hear the determination in their voice.They jus have this thing about them. Like have you ever jus caught yourself staring at someone wanting to know what's their story? Like they draw you into them, like a magnet. That's what I am talking about...I mean people my age do have this quality. IDK I like them older than me. It goes the other way around too, Older men will approach me more often than people my own age. I always knew I would date people like 6,7 years my senior. So I wondered how did  Joshua [19] attracted me to him? I already knew the answer deep down. He had an old soul and I loved that about him. But still he was a surprise....

But back to the point, Don't get me wrong you won't find me stalking the senior citizen's home anytime soon. I love men in general, young and old. I'll just stare down the older one a little longer. 

Here some older men I enjoy

Sentence Enhancers

Cunt Bucket....

I mean cunt is bad already but the bucket is jus icing on the cake don't you think?

sidetrack Joshua works with a bunch of hispanic people rite.

You know how boys are....

"you gonna get some pussy?"

"fuck cheyeah, partying tonite!"

[like they sell it at the convenient store]

okay so when its a dark skinned girl ...they call it "purple pussy"

I have no idea what to say to this LOL

I mean wouldn't it be weird if I was dark all over and when you get to the "love areas" im pink as cotton candy...

 

As Chris Rocks says "It's not the Word but the context in which you use the word"

purple pussy could be a good or bad thing

Yeah but Cunt Bucket I have been using lately, people are always caught off guard with that one

.....purple is my favorite color:]]

How Dare You [Bitter]

I find this just too funny...You think gays getting married is wrong, unnatural?

Welp you can justify yourself by a verse in the bible to act in a hateful judgemental manner?

If I was to think in a christian matter...

Sin is Sin, right?

So they are no levels of sin, no pyramid or pamphlet.

Person A Lies

Person B steals

Person C is Gay
---------------------
equals SIN

So that christian who steals is going to the same hell where that person is gay.....
jus saying if we're playing by the rule book.

Were Adam and Eve married?
Was there a great ceremony after God ripped out one of Adam's ribs to make Eve?

Why are ya'll so adament about this?

They're not marrying you so what's the deal?

Priests are not suppose to marry. They're men and they get urges so their sticky fingers reach down alter boys pants.

Where's the oppostion? Is they're a law banning that type of behavior?

How bout the beloved marriage that went downhill ending in divorce?

Is their a law banning Divorce?

How bout pregnancy out of wedlock? Should I marry that person and be miserable for the rest of my life?

So someone is gay, Am I allowed to kill them?

Therfore I am breaking a Commandment, to rub out something I think is sin

Rape.
Child Molestation.
Hate Crimes.

Most of these crimes are committed by straight people, by men, should there be some laws against that?

Scared your children might turn out gay?
That's the scariest thing....

I'm sure mothers of
wife beaters
child molesters
serial killers
terrorists
nazi

would gladly trade love to see gay children than their hateful children


They don't hurt me, They not hurting children, They ain't killing anyone.

God always finds a way to make you learn.

People who hate gays
....always have gay children

People who hate black people
.....their children falls in love with one

People who want perfect children
....always gets the black sheep

God is no idiot, He keeps things in a perfect balance.
In fact if you look at certain situations....GOD is rather funny

Once I have faith, love, and keep him number one and just try to be a good OPEN, gracious, kind person regardless of race, sex, color, creed and culture.

I'm good.

I personally think people who do nothing but judge and spew hate are really empty on the inside. They see something in gay people that they don't see in themselves.

FREEDOM.

....plus I don't know why they put that to a vote...
that like asking people who like hip hop should we ban country music...

like WTF??!

Snuggling...

I feel emotional....

I just wanna snuggle right now, Kingston will have to do.

Pitbulls need love too...They're misunderstood

I mean you can connect mentally and emotionally but until you connect physically there's no "wholeness"...well to me anyway. [yes in that order too, I know some of you quick ones jus' want the 3rd one and worry bout the other two later.] I'm kind of mixed up and I how I feel about sex before or after marriage. I believe marriage is nice but who's guaranteed marriage? Why should I feel different after marriage? I have heard people say they feel more mature and connected...but then again shouldn't they have already felt this way with their loved ones?

An "Official" moment should not determine your feelings.


I believe that's why so many marriages fail people automatically expect a difference after the marriage. Or they change alltogether.

Some women spend so much on marriages, end up debt and forget that they have to continue life and those bills that you're stacking up doesn't disappear after the honeymoon.

They don't keep up with their hair, nails and beauty regimen, because they feel they've won and they can "relax" I think it should be the other way around, in fact you should step up your game.
This goes for men too, I should see grape juice turning into wine, not milk spoiling.

That loved one with certain "issues" its not going to change after the marriage....don't kid yourself.

They should grow....together.
They should be like peanut butter and jelly

They're awesome apart.

Grape jelly on my bagel

Peanut butter cookies

.....but together they're unstoppable, a classic, never played out

I guess people expect the peanut you were dating to turn into chocolate after marriage...

No matter what you're still dating a peanut, so its either you enjoy your peanut butter or you go find a cocoa bean and work it from there. [i love my peanut, looking forward to peanut butter too]



I'm ponderin'....

I wonder if I can snuggle my iMac? hmmm
I mean its more than portable...it has no CPU unit.
It's gonna be awkward when I try to explain to my mom why I am sleeping with my computer.

Although if the Apple company was really that guy from the commercials, idk I like them geeky

I think I'm done babbling just wanted to get that off my chest. Oooo i got my first paycheck last friday its gone now but it was nice to see money in my pockets....

Goodnite